Paradox and love

One of Martijn's main surgeons, Dr. Keymueller, above. Below, mother, Geri Mullens and her partner, Macel Winten.


The poet Rainer Maria Rilke says, "love...consists in this, that two solitudes protect and border and slaute each other." I stand resolute in this definition of love, the kind that Martijn and I share. Now I embrace my solitude. I always fled from it. I seek company but rejoice in my solitude because there I find a limitless well filled by the love I have for Martijn and he for me. I'm not used to being alone but I feel much less so every day because, frankly, I'm not. This love we share grows beyond the borders of physical presence.

Friday Dr. Keymueller, pictured above, compassionately and frankly disclosed to us that Martijn's particular cancer pathology, anal squamous cell, does not/will not respond to any futher treatment now known. She clarified that all of the cancer HAS BEEN removed, but was resolute in stating that this particular cancer is known to return and aggressively. The message is that this cancer is terminal and currently untreatable. Martijn's response was, "So, I'm a ticking timebomb, eh?"

We didn't ask any questions like how long? They are pointless questions. Rather, we seek the current flip side of this news - that Martijn in fact has more than survived the surgery, but is once again thriving - filled with energy and appetitie. Our goal is to have him continue to grow strong, to make progress, to sit up, to walk again, to return home.

I did call two of my best friends, Allan Crimm and David Meyers, both medical doctors, to discuss any options currently known to treat this medically. They both responded in kind, that no medical protocol currently is known to combat the cancer in such a way that it prolongs the life of the patient with quality outweighing the downsides of the treatment. However, David located what are called "medical trials" here in the Netherlands. We may explore these in time.

The paradox is how strong and vital Martijn continues to grow, and that at least for this moment, he is cancer free. So, our protocol will be more alternative healing and requests from you, for as long as you can give us, to keep him cancer free and healthy. We will eat well, organically, and simply rejoice in the current moment. We will mediatate and wallow in the love of family, friends and colleagues. Really, what more can anyone do, anyway?

Tonight on the way home I petted a very old but happy cat and watched in awe the swans who greet me at the end of the canal path from the hospital. The swan is one of the oldest names in the English language. According to the book Animal Speak by Ted Andrews, it is the totem of the child, the poet, the mystic, and the dreamer. What better totem to symbolize Martijn?

So, Martijn grows strong but the prognosis is gloomy. Paradox doesn't really exist. We always hold opposites in the vessels of our hearts, minds and spirits. To enjoy light we must know darkness; to taste sweetness, we must know bitter. For today, I choose to water the seeds of lightness and sweetness, acknowledging that their counterparts, darkness and bitterness exist.

Much love and peace, Suze