Old wounds and new opened and closed

Martijn's brother, Janus, Leiven, Irma and 'Tjeu Hermse, December 2005.

Today Marcel drove us to the hospital where both Martijn’s surgeon’s looked at the wound and decided on the spot to operate, reinserting a lymph drain and stitching the wound up again. Now we have to hope for no infection, and no abscess, but everyone feels this was a better solution than having an oozing, open wound at home.

But today I had a serious meltdown. We returned from the hospital and I began to prepare a nice meal, which actually relaxes and pleases me. But, just before serving dinner our good friends Maurice Schoffelen and Olena Breyman came by with a lovely homemade cake. During the conversation with them I felt Martijn was complaining about how I was handling the entire situation. That I got too stressed, etc. I found that I couldn’t handle what I perceived as any criticism.

After our dinner, I hit the bottom. I called Martijn’s brother, Janus, who is in town staying at Martijn's mother's house, with his wife Irma and sons, ‘Tjeu and Leiven, who are on fall holidays. Maybe one more trip to the hospital or suddenly being partially responsible for caring for Martijn’s new wound drain pushed me over the top. I felt scared, trapped and angry at Martijn for what I perceive is a lack of compassion back for me and my multiple responsibilities.

There it is, I felt terribly unappreciated. I suppose this sounds selfish, but it is what it is. Janus and Irma came immediately. Jan and I had a long and good talk and it turns out he and Irma had already agreed that he would travel from Amersfoort, (near Amsterdam which is about 2 1/2 hours away), to provide me ‘relief’ one day a week. He has already discussed this with his supervisor at work as well. This feels very supportive. I am overcome by gratitude. Later, I went out for a needed walk along the River Meuse with Irma and then for a drink at a nice nearby café. Irma herself had a bout with cancer a few years back and she and Janus understand the dynamics and pressures that illness put on a relationship. Irma was kind enough to admit that she felt my situation was even more stressful, with my dealing with Martijn’s grim prognosis, severity of the surgery he’s undergone, a different language, culture and healthcare system, not to mention not working, no income and increased expenses.

I also called our Minnesota financial planner, Darrell Norling, to discuss cashing in Martijn’s small ‘retirement’ account that I’d set up and funded for him. With his current disability we can do this without incurring a penalty and frankly, we need the funds. If possible next week I’d like to approach my client, the city of Maastricht, to see if I can begin a small project that they hired me for. I really need to work again for my own mental health.

Old wounds and new opened and closed.

Love, Suze