Home for the Holidays

My Philadelphia Family, August 2001: Martijn grins (left front) amidst our Philadelphia 'family' - behind him: Mary Grace Gardner, Rick & Ruth Snyderman and Linda Peck; next to me: Sally Eves, Robyn Frenze, Bob Ingram and Barbara Craig; standing: Jeremy, Peter and Alison Tasch, Sara and Allan Crimm.

With great emotional difficulty I depart my nest here in Maastricht, where Martijn's spirit provides a gentle glow, to head to my home town, Philadelphia, for some much needed R&R - rest and reflection in my case.  I arrive in Philly on November 19th and return to the Netherlands on January 7th. My Dutch residency is currently resolved allowing me to stay on here until 2010 and thankfully, the life insurance nightmare has ended. Now I can focus on fully on the depth of my loss and also on the abundance of my life - my friendships are greater than gold. Happily I will get to see and spend quality time with each of the friends pictured above, and many, many more.

My brother, Allen Schaefer, soon to be 81 years young!

I will be able to see my brother Allen, and his wife Beryl, with whom I have grown closer over the past years. I plan to see my cousins as well. It is my hope simply to experience my home town, to feel and to be. Once I am settled, I will write more . 

Martijn's Wedding Vows

Our romantic London Holiday, April 2005. 

Each day of our life was a celebration of our union.

Our Wedding
St. Valentine’s Day
Wednesday, February 14, 1996
The Whitney Hotel, Salon 2

SUPPORTING CAST:

Parents of Martijn: Gertrude Mullens Hermse & Matthieu Hermse (deceased)

Family of Martijn: Elly & Paul Kerckhoffs-Hermse (Merel, Jony & Jolieke)
Jan Hermse & Irma Timmermans (Tjeu Colijn)
Noel & Lea Hermse-van Engelshoven

Parents of Susan: Emma Schaefer & Jack Schaefer (both deceased)

Officiating: Judge Tony N. Leung

Music: Sir Tim Heitman

Cake: Sir Daniel Hennagir

Flowers: Mistress Betsy Hork

Chariot: Mistress Suzanne Kochevar & Sir Richard Hecht

Guest Book: Mistress Roxanna Rutter

Candles & Ritual: Mistress Suzy Jandl Queen

Circlemakers: Sirs John Cuningham, Daniel Hennagir & David Fey; 

Mistresses Betsy Hork, Suzy Jandl Queen & Roxanna Rutter

Rings: Sir Alan Heugh

PROGRAM

Prelude: Bach -- Minuet 1 & 2, First Suite

Ceremony: Judge Leung

Vows: Martijn & Susan

Interlude: Bach -- Bourrie 1 & 2, Suite #3

Circle Ritual: Jandl Queen, Rutter, Hork, Cuningham, Hennagir, Fey

Postlude: A Royal Surprise

Breakfast feast: Salon 3

Martijn's Vows to Suze

DEAR SUSATSKA AND ALL OUR GOOD FRIENDS WHO GATHERED HERE:

THE WEDDING OF TODAY IS FOR ME NOT ONLY A FORMAL JUDICIAL PROCEDURE ACCORDING TO THE LAW. IT IS ALSO AN AFFIRMATION OF MY LOVE TO YOU, SUSATSKA, A LOVE THAT STARTED IN A VERY ROMANTIC WAY. NOT VIA ADVERTSIMENTS, NOT PREDICTED, EXPECTED OR SOCIALLY ENGINEERED, BUT BY THE SIMPLE COINCIDENCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES THAT HAVE LED TWO SOULS TO CONNECTING AND INTERTWINING THEIR LIVES. ONE COULD SAY THAT THEIR TWO SOULS ALREADY KNEW THAT THEY WERE BOUND FOR EACH OTHER. THEY DIDN’T MEET EACH OTHER UNTIL LAST YEAR IN THE NETHERLANDS.

AS A BACHELOR I ALWAYS HAVE FELT A CERTAIN DISTANCE TO THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE. NOT ON ONLY BECAUSE MY PARENTS WERE MARRIED IN A NON-PREPARED WAY AND THAT THEIR MARRIAGE WAS NOT SO HAPPY AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN, BUT ALSO BECAUSE OTHER FORMS OF STRONG RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN TWO PERSONS ARE STILL NOT SUFFICIENTLY ACKNOWLEDGED BY SOCIETY. ALSO THE MANY DIVORCES WHICH HAPPEN STRENGTHENED MY OPINION THAT THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE IS THREATENED IN SUCH AN UNSTABLE SOCIETY AS OURS.

FROM THE OTHER HAND, THERE ARE THE POSITIVE ASPECTS THAT MADE ME DECIDE TO MARRY SUZY. IN THE FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT PLACE, IT IS MY REAL FELT LOVE TO YOU, SUSATSKA. APART FROM MY PARENTS AND DOROTHEA, A GERMAN WOMAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH A LONG TIME AGO, I HAVE NEVER LOVED A PERSON SO MUCH AS I DO YOU, SUSATSKA. I JUST HAVE TO LOOK AT YOUR FACE AN THEN I AM IMMEDIATELY AWARE THAT ONLY YOU CAN GIVE ME TH FEELING TO BE FREE AND ACCEPTED THE WAY I AM, WITHOUT SAYING ANY WORDS. IN THE ROMANTIC VIEW, LOVE IS THE EXPERIENCE OF ETERNITY IN THIS LIFE. IT IS A SPECIAL FEELING OF TIME AND SPACE THAT GIVES THE NORMAL REALITY ANOTHER COLOUR AND FACE. THIS WHAT WE PROVIDE FOR ONE ANOTHER.

ANOTHER REASON TO MARRY YOU HERE AND NOW IS THAT WE HAVE REACHED A MATURE AGE. I AM NEITHER AN ADOLESCENT ANY MORE, NOR A GRUMPY OLD MAN YET. SO, THIS IS THE EXACT RIGHT PHASE IN MY LIFE FOR STARTING SOMETHING NEW IN A SERIOUS WAY.

WE KNOW THAT A GOOD AND LASTING RELATIONSHIP IMPLIES HARD WORK, BUT IT ALSO IMPLIES MAINTAINING OF ABILITY OF PLAYING LIKE CHILDREN OR DREAMING LIKE ARTISTS. THIS, TOO, WE BOTH BELIEVE IN.

BEING IN A COUNTY OTHER THAN MY NATIVE COUNTRY MEANS I STILL HAVE TO LEARN MUCH ABOUT PRACTICAL THINGS. SO, WHENEVER I NEED YOUR HELP, I HOPE YOU CAN GIVE ME SOME SUPPORT. AS A PHILOSOPHER AND AS A WISE-GUY I CAN GIVE YOU MY HELP ABOUT THE ESSENTIAL ISSUES AND ENIGMA OF LIFE.

TO CLOSE, I ALSO WANT ON THIS OCCASION TO MEMORIALIZE MY FATHER, MATTHIEU, WHO DIED LAST AUTUMN, AND WHO, LIKE MY MOTHER, GERRY, MY TWO BROTHERS, JAN AND NOEL, AND MY SISTER, ELLY, WOULD LIKE TO HAVE BEEN HERE. AND I ALSO WANT TO MEMORIALIZE SUZY’S PARENTS, JACK AND EMMA -- MAY THEY LOOK AT US AND BLESS OUR RELATIONSHIP.

Yes We Can!

YES WE CAN

Many years ago Martijn and I stood proudly before our nation's Capitol (seen just over my head in the background) with our dear friend, Roberta Strickler, and children Aaron and Emily Meyers. Husband David snapped this shot. Aaron and Emily are now adults and probably up celebrating along with a vast majority of Americans on this historic day.

Martijn adored Washington, D.C. and tonight I think he and all the other angels are dancing with President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama's recently deceased grandmother for his, and our, historic victory. Yes, America can change, perhaps better than any nation on earth. Tonight as I stayed up into the wee hours I wished that my beloved Martijn were here beside me to hear and witness greatness. But I know his spirit is soaring, as is mine, over this turning point in world history. Now I can say after so long a time, "I am proud to be an American." I have hope that once again my country can participate with other free people around the world in making decisions that contribute to a better, brighter future for citizens of the earth.

So my sincere congratulations to Senator Barack Obama, his family, his team on this amazing victory. Now, along with that puppy for his daughters we need to see a cat in the White House, too! You can't be the president of all people without representing dog AND cat people! Be well, be wise and laugh often!

Cheers.

Give it all up to be with you

Martijn, Sante Fe, New Mexico, October 1999 

It is November 1, 2008, nine years since our carefree trip to sunny New Mexico, where we spent two weeks in the loving care of our dear friend, Rick Ruff. In the above photo Martijn stands before the Tibetan Rug store, dressed in his Tibetan pants. We intentionally purchased one of our Asian rugs from this store, since proceeds went directly to peace efforts to restore the Tibetan people to their rightful land and culture. This was a most delightful trip for us, with Rick serving as a gallant host while we explored this desert region we both so adored. Martijn and I were truly soul mate travelers. Our countless trips and adventures fill me with joyous memories.

Right now I am listening to music to heal my soul. This is a song by Donovan that expresses one part of how I currently feel:

"Give it All Up"

from the album, Sutras, by Donovan Leitch

No gold worth digging for
Without your golden love
No treasure rich enough
To be without your love
No sorrow deeper than
To be away from you
No distance farther than
A night not spent with you
No diamond brighter than
The light within your eyes
No star I gaze at
Brighter in these skies
No sadness deeper than
This longing for you
I'd give it all up
To be with you
This night of darkness
I lay upon my bed
All alone and lonely
Remembering words you said
No goal worth striving for
Without your golden smiles
Never again we'll part
No more the lonely miles

Here in Maastricht I continue to heal and grieve. That is the way. I have learned much from the best book for anyone who has lost a love to death: How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, by Therese A. Rando, Ph.D., recommended by beloved friend, Sally Eves, Ph.D., also a psychologist who works with patients in grief occasionally. Since I so depend upon my good friends, and care about how they feel for (and worry about) me, I quote this passage from Dr. Rando, which clearly identifies the need for people to not run from their grief:

Recognize that you must yield to the painful process of grief. ...[T]here is no way to go over, around, or under grief - you must go through it. Grief cannot be delayed indefinitely; it will erupt in some way, directly or indirectly. The inescapable fact is that you have sustained a major loss requiring a painful period of readjustment that demands excruciatingly hard work and causes more pain and trouble if you do not attend to it. If you want to get done with your grief, you must go through the pain. Although the pain is distressing, the experience and release of it is a healing part of the process.

And so it is. It is good for good friends to know and understand the wisdom that grief is hard work. It is work. It cannot nor should not be avoided or it may never be resolved. It is not a condition for which such toss-away sayings as: "Get on with your life" or "Stiff upper lip" are helpful, as well-intended as some may mean these to be. There is a difference between a healthy acceptance of one's loss with its concurrent acceptance of the pain and a prolonged never-ending depression. Good friends of those who have suffered a major loss should rather ask respectful questions regarding how we feel, how we're getting along, what we need. 

So, it was very meaningful to receive the email copied below from one of my cherished friends from my Master's Program here in Maastricht. I respect and care for Anne and was comforted by her text:

Hey Susan,

I hope you are well even though you are going through a difficult time. I can imagine how hard it is to settle in this new situation, even if you knew it was coming. But I am sure you optimism and your curiosity about life and all the new impressions and situations it brings up will help you to find your way.

I sometimes thought in the last weeks, that your emotionality might make it a bit more difficult for you than it would be for others to look ahead, but in the end I believe it is the best way to cope instead of burying unfinished thoughts and unsaid feelings inside. I believe in you :-)
...
All the best
Anne

To all my precious and wonderful friends, thank you for walking this journey with me. Please know how much your love and support means to me. I think about each friend I have often and cherish her/his contribution to my life. I am making 'progress', if you wish to call it that. I am moving toward my future, but only with your love and care, and of course, with the incredible spirit of Martijn that truly communicates with me. Today, he returned as a blackbird, just like he said he would, during a moment of decision-making. I do not make this up!

All my love, Susan