Trying on His Wings

Martijn Anna Antonius Hermse

July 21, 1952 - July 25, 2008

Martijn passed peacefully at 1:45 AM in our home surrounded by his family and friends. He did indeed die with a smile on his face having spent a day greeting select family, friends and care providers, particularly our beloved Dr. Maurice Bom whose professionalism and personal warmth guaranteed Martijn a safe passage. 

The funeral will be held on Wednesday, July 30th, at the St. Janskerk in the Vrijthof Square here in Maastricht. A coffee table will offered afterwards at the Fort St. Pieter. We invite those of you can to come to the memorial service that Martijn and I together carefully planned. It will be beautiful and befitting his life. All are welcome.

As you can guess I exist now in a suspended state after such an intense period of focusing almost solely on the care of my beloved. Witnessing his death in our own bedroom, surrounded by light and love does make his passing more recognizable but not more welcome. Yes, for him I am so relieved - his pain that was great at the very end is over. But mine in finding a way, a world apart from him now begins. And so it is.

Here is the text I have written for Martijn's service in English and translated into Dutch by his brother, Janus, who has been my rock and support:

MARTIJN HERMSE: A LIFE OF LEARNING AND LOVE

For my beloved husband, Martijn, a true gentleman and scholar, and my best friend

Teaching is more difficult than learning because what teaching calls for is this: to let learn. The real teacher, in fact, lets nothing else be learned than learning. His conduct, therefore, often produces the impression that we properly learn nothing from him, if by "learning" we now suddenly understand merely the procurement of useful information.

- Martin Heidegger 

On our wedding day, almost 13 years ago, Martijn was called a “real wise guy” by a friend who intended fully the double meaning – signifying both his status as a joker or a trickster, and its ancillary meaning – a truly wise man. My beloved husband was both. He often made others comfortable by making funny jokes, catching his ‘audience’ off guard. I believe he surfaced this version of “the wise guy” because he was, in truth, a bit more intellectual than many of his listeners. So, he gently diffused many situations for them by ‘making light’ of a deep subject.

It took me a long time to appreciate this aspect of Martijn. I so admired and respected his mind that I often grew irritated when he played his verbal tricks. I wanted his intellect to shine, but his modesty prevailed. Thankfully, I grew to understand that this was yet one more aspect of his truly unique and engaging character. Thankfully, also, during our years in Maastricht, I was granted the time to be with Martijn when he was engaged with his family, whom he loved truly, madly deeply, to witness, learn, and come to appreciate his form of gentle wisdom - his “real teacher” self, as Heidegger states.

For myself and many others, Martijn will remain the ultimate teacher - by modest example. He needed no classroom, no lecture hall and no dissertation to shine his incredible intellect on any subject - from economy to environment to gastronomy to human rights to animal rights. He stands apart as a great intellect who required no fame or fortune for his wisdom. Rather, Martijn solidly inhabited a rare universe where his own armchair sufficed, and his many acolytes came naturally, drawn by his warmth and authenticity. Martijn was constant in a world of ever changing attitudes. He held his beliefs as tightly and mightily as he held those lucky enough to find themselves in his vast, loving nature. I am blessed to have been held tightly in his strong and constant arms almost everyday for 13 years. Although this temporal time was far too short, we have promised to each other that a love like ours can and shall shine through space and time to bond our souls for eternity. Those of you who have also been touched by Martijn can hold him – his humor, warmth and wisdom – eternally, and continue ‘to let learn’.

- Forever yours, Susan 

Dutch version:

Onderwijzen is moeilijker dan leren want wat onderwijzen vereist is dit: laten leren. De ware docent zorgt in feite dat er niets anders geleerd wordt dan te leren. Daardoor komt het dat hij door zijn gedrag vaak de indruk wekt dat we juist niets van hem leren, tenminste als wij nu plots onder “leren” verstaan: het louter verwerven van nuttige informatie.

- Martin Heidegger

Op onze huwelijksdag, bijna 13 jaar geleden, werd Martijn door een van zijn vrienden een “echt wijze man” genoemd, hiermee bewust doelend op de dubbele betekenis van zowel Martijns reputatie van grappenmaker en mensen voor de gek houden, als de gewone betekenis van een werkelijk wijze man. Mijn echtgenoot was beide. Hij stelde anderen vaak op hun gemak door grappige dingen te zeggen, waarmee hij zijn “toehoorders” in bescherming nam. Ik ben ervan overtuigd dat hij deze versie van “wijze man” koesterde omdat hij in werkelijkheid intellectueler was dan velen van zijn luisteraars. Op deze manier redde hij menig situatie door een zwaar onderwerp “lichter te maken”.

Ik had enige tijd nodig om dit aspect van Martijn te leren waarderen. Ik bewonderde en respecteerde zozeer zijn intelligentie dat ik mij vaak ergerde als hij weer met zijn woord-spelletjes bezig was. Ik wilde dat zijn intellect laten schijnen, maar zijn bescheidenheid voerde de boventoon. Gelukkig leerde ik mettertijd begrijpen dat dit juist weer een ander aspect van zijn uniek en innemend karakter was. Ook ben ik dankbaar dat ik, gedurende onze jaren in Maastricht, de tijd gekregen heb samen met Martijn te zijn als hij bij zijn familie was, van wie hij intens en oprecht veel hield, om getuige te zijn en te leren van zijn milde wijsheid, van zijn eigen “ware docent zijn”, zoals Heidegger zegt.

Zowel voor mijzelf als voor vele anderen zal Martijn de ultieme docent blijven - als een bescheiden voorbeeld. Hij had geen klaslokaal nodig, geen collegezaal en geen proefschrift om zijn ongelooflijk intellect uit te stralen over alle mogelijke onderwerpen - van economie tot milieuzaken, van gastronomie tot mensenrechten, of zelfs tot dierenrechten. Hij is uniek vanwege zijn grote intellect dat roem noch fortuin verlangde voor zijn wijsheid. Nee, Martijn woonde eerder in een zeldzame wereld waarin hij genoeg had aan zijn fauteuil en waar zijn vele acolieten als vanzelf kwamen, aangetrokken door zijn warmte en eigenheid. Martijn was een constante factor in een wereld van steeds veranderende opvattingen. Hij hield even onverschrokken vast aan zijn overtuigingen als hij vasthield aan degenen die het geluk hadden van zijn liefdevolle aard te mogen genieten. Ik voel me bevoorrecht dat ik gedurende bijna 13 jaar dagelijks door zijn sterke, stevige armen omarmd ben geweest. Ondanks dat deze vergankelijke tijd te kort heeft geduurd, hebben wij elkaar beloofd dat een liefde als de onze kan en moet stralen door ruimte en tijd om onze zielen te verbindenbin voor de eeuwigheid.
Wie van de aanwezigen hier door Martijn zijn geraakt, kunnen - zijn humor, warmte en wijsheid - voor eeuwig bewaren, en verdergaan met “laten leren”.

- Voor altijd de jouwe, Susan

Dear friends comfort us both

Rich Heck helps Martijn to eat on his birthday, Sunday, July 20th

Suzanne Kochevar tells Martijn of the Weeping Cherry Tree that she and Rich have named the "Martijn Tree", planted in his honor at their home near our beloved Lake Minnetonka, Minnesota. Martijn and I spent many wonderful times with Suzanne and Rich enjoying the view from their living room to the pond beyond. Now the Martijn Tree will be in full view.

It is now the final days of Martijn's life. He remains vivid at times, but mostly he sleeps. He can no longer turn himself nor eat nor hold a glass of water on his own. On Sunday his mother, Geri, and our Marcel came along with brother Janus and my sister-in-law, Irma, and brother Noel to celebrate Martijn's 56th birthday. It is a milestone he vowed to make back in March when we received the news that the cancer had spread and was terminal. 

I drift in and out of denial and acceptance that my beloved 'frog' will no longer be with me on this fragile plane of existence. Helping me through this period, which has proved to be the most difficult for me, are Suzanne and Rich. Suzanne told me months ago to simply let her know when I needed them and they would come. I did. They came on Thursday the 17th. Along with my brother-in-law, Janus, they are helping us walk this strange, mysterious, frightening path to that place where each and every one of us must go, but yet remains veiled like the fabled mists of Avalon in so much secrecy and awe. 

I am not telling you the half of the story here. We have so many brave souls to thank for providing care and support. That will come. Please read this wise saying sent to Martijn by our friend Jacqueline Braun to understand how I feel:

Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person 

having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words.

- George Eliot (a female 19th century British novelist)

Creativity, consciousness and healing

Enfolded in the arms of your beloved you are never alone. 

Susan caresses Martijn on Tuesday, July 7, 2008.

Supported by Sebastian.

We both requested that Sebastian return (please see blog entry June 1st) to share his quiet magic and majesty. He dreamt this ritual for us while sleeping in the next bedroom the previous evening, and Martijn embraced and wholeheartedly invited enacting the concept. 

"It is better to light just one little candle than to stumble in the dark."

Transforming the porcelain washbasin to a vessel of light and reflection.

Martijn and I have lived a life of modest creativity. We continue to find strength in the creative radiance of those dear individuals who inhabit our circle of life and love. Here is a poem written for us by our dear friend, Sally Eves, who lives in the mountains of Pennsylvania with her furry creatures:

Friends

Can you hear us croon to you

in the stillness of the night?

We sing a song in praise of you

to bring you love and light.

Our voices join in melody

with creatures of the night.

The swamp frogs croak

a rhythmic bass

a cacophony our sound;

the owl hoot hoots

it unblinking eyes surveying

sky to ground;

the bat's shrill screech is softened by

the swooshing of its wings, 

the cadence of the crickets tolls

the blessing of all things;

the cat's stealthy silence adds

a pause to all the sounds,

and brings a welcome stillness to the

mystery around;

the fireflies dance in points of light

to the movement of the sound,

and beckon the stars and sultry moon

nearer to the ground.

Do you hear us croon to you

a majestic band of the night?

But nothing to compare to you - 

your royalty and light.

- Sally L. Eves

June 30, 2008

Another friend, Maureen Youngstrom, who lived next door to us in Cottagewood, a village in Deephaven, Minnesota where Martijn enjoyed the first five years of our relationship, wrote this to us today, echoing the line in Sally's poem referring to 'swamp frogs':

Dearest Susan and Martijn,

Like most of your friends and family I have been checking your blog on a regular basis to see how things are progressing for the two of you both physically and emotionally. I am so impressed and inspired by the wonderful insight and grace that you both bring to this excruciatingly difficult process. At the same time I am profoundly sad at the reality of what is happening.

I need to tell you both at the thoughts I had about you on my long and now regular walks. (I am going to Africa to climb Mt Kilimanjaro in two weeks so I'm training for that. But more about that another time). To come right to point I think of you and Martijn almost constantly when I am out walking. In the beginning I thought it was just because my walks were starting out going by your old house and because I think a big part of Martijn's identity for me is that of the 'thoughtful Cottagewood walker'. Now I've come to realize there's more to it than that. I almost always end my walk with a stop at Hidden Beach where I am usually alone. It is here that I feel a kinship with the part of both your spirits that are still here. Also, I have been receiving another sign of your spirits. I have to preface this part of the story by relaying the fact that, until recently, I had seen maybe three or four frogs in the ten years I've lived here. This being said I have seen a frog on an almost daily basis for the last couple of weeks. Usually this sighting takes place on the last leg of my walk between hidden beach and home. Yesterday, it was a pair who instead of bolting into the bushes, hoped ahead of me for several yards before they took their own path. In a way I can't really articulate this gave me an incredibly peaceful and content feeling. I only hope in the extreme intensity of your lives right now that you find moments, however fleeting, of profound peace. This is my prayer for you both each day.

My thoughts and prayers are with you through your journey

Love - Maureen

Just so you know Martijn cannot use the computer anymore but I do print emails and share all of your comments with  him for which is so grateful and filled with love. We are so supported and only wish that we could do the same back for each and every one of you. But, in fact, we do, each night when we say our prayers and hold you in our collective heart. 

Anointing of the Sick: Father Carel Cares for Martijn

At Martijn's request, Father Carel van Tulder, our beloved retired Jesuit priest who was referred to us by the cancer support organization, the Toon Herman's Huis, came on Monday, June 16th, the day after Pia's lovely concert for Martijn, to offer the catholic sacrement, Anointing of the Sick. Here Father Carel prepares the candles.

Father Carel offers a welcome and explanation.

He dons a very special stola made for him from African material. 

Father Carel anoints Martijn in our home.

The anointing of the sick is administered to bring spiritual and even physical strength during an illness, especially near the time of death. It is most likely one of the last sacraments one will receive. A sacrament is an outward sign to confer inward grace. In more basic terms, it is a rite that is performed to convey God’s grace to the recipient, through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

It has been over a week since Martijn has been able to walk down the steps to sit in our living room. It has been a difficult two weeks for me seeing Martijn less mobile and much weaker. Yet, he still is comfortable. He takes only 10mg of OxyContin twice a day, along with an injection of Fraxiprine daily (administered by a home nurse) to combat the effects of thrombosis. Up until yesterday he was able to walk from our bed to the master bathroom to empty his own catheter bag and brush his teeth - but yesterday he asked that I help with these tasks.

Each morning I prepare a healthy breakfast to bring Martijn: a small juice glass of Kanne Bread drink which I'm sure keeps his intestines well functioning; a brimming pot of Earl Grey or English Breakfast tea, fresh brewed; and a fruit smoothie I prepare with soy milk, light yogurt, Barbara's oat cereal, some oatmeal, and fresh fruits, usually seven types. Two mornings a week a home care nurse comes to wash him; the other days I help, including constant changing of the bandage he must wear over the tumor that has aggressively grown external in his left groin. This tumor leaks lymph fluid and must be 'dry dressed'; horribly, another is now appearing in his right groin. Along with these newly aggressive growths and the thrombosis, the lymph has been collecting in his legs which is why he is unable to walk. Dr. Bom has allowed that the lymph therapist begin again - a positive event since this lymph massage brings much relief to Martijn, reducing the swelling greatly.

For me this has been a very strange yet moving period. I think I am at a new level of acceptance but this has come with much psychological, emotional and physical work. My therapist Alied has  been a rock in helping me process the terrible physical changes I must witness in Martijn. He is literally flesh and bone. But, my 'work' has also allowed me to come to new understanding of our human bodies and souls. Martijn is still my beloved husband and I've come to love and appreciate his body despite its woes. His spirit is so much greater than the poor flesh and bones we tend to think of as 'life'. Today I say this seemingly easily, but the journey to his place, as I have said, has been hard won with much tears and angst.

During this period I took bold personal steps. With the loving assistance of my brother-in-law, Janus, I had a 'free' weekend. He came to care for his brother. The first evening, Friday, June 27th, I took Maurice Schoffelen for a thank you dinner and movie, then I stayed alone at Ursula's apartment while she was away. This was a night that felt like I'd descended to hell. I felt ill, really sick, and so terribly lonely. To get through the night I called Sally Eves in Pennsylvania and as always, she talked me through the worst of it. The following day I spent a wonderful time with Casey O'Dell at the local museum. Casey is like a daughter to me and her empathy and understanding were salve. Later, Claudia Vaz who lives across the hall from us, made a wonderful dinner and Johanna Martinez joined for good conversation and food. Sunday Ursula took me to Thermae 2000, a full spa with multiple pools, whirlpools, saunas and steam rooms. Because Martijn and I so loved being together at Thermae this experience was also bittersweet, but I knew that this weekend off was healing for me as well. And Martijn seemed to bask in the care and attention of his brother and family.

Martijn and I continue to care for each other during this intense journey. I put double meaning on the word, 'care'. In his own powerful way Martijn seeks to protect me from stress and worry. And so we walk together toward this light, this dark light that is our life.