Angel Sightings

"Marty's back. He says he couldn't find anybody to schmooze with." 

©2004 WEBER 

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was
smiling.

Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and
everyone around you is crying.

- From an email sent by good friend, Kay Dixon

Martijn lived his life just this way. He truly died with a smile on his face. During the time we were together, almost 14 years, he had found a center and balance, a rhythm and perspective in his life that many of us strive towards or pray for. Martijn would be the first to laugh off any portrait that would depict him as perfect, or an angel; however, he would readily admit that he had discovered a way to be comfortable in his own skin. Said another way, he worked at being an individual who stayed true to his values – he truly worked at it. And as it became inevitable that his time on earth was ending, he strove also towards acceptance of that and in so doing, he found peace. 

We had the time to share between us his insights, hopes and fears, and I can say, he was not afraid of dying and he believed that his spirit would return to protect me, to help me through what he knew already would be my own dark days. In calm and serenity, I can report that his spirit is here within me just as he predicted and promised. Not only have I felt it, but I have witnessed physical manifestations. And last week, a friend who was here for tea saw the same manifestation and blurted out “Oh, I’ve just seen Martijn here!”

Many of you will take such information in your own way. Some simply will be happy that I find comfort in such ‘imaginings’. Some will be worried that I am somehow ‘off-kilter’ or worse, delusional. Some will nod, maybe secretly acknowledging that they, too, have had sensations of, well – knowledge that there exists something more beyond our living, human physical presence. And others won’t care at all, simply hoping that I am moving forward, ‘making progress’, staying rational. Whatever your beliefs, it should be comforting to know that I am more and more at peace, feeling ‘my wings’ again. Martijn told me and wrote to me that he ‘knew’ we would never be separated, even through death, and now seven months later, I understand what he meant, in a positive and good way.

My therapist, Alied, gave me a lovely, powerful, challenging book written by the renowned author of The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis, entitled, A Grief Observed, written as a journal after the death of his beloved wife. I recommend this book for anyone who wants a raw and brilliant analysis of experiencing loss of a beloved mate. Though I do not share many of Lewis’ insights or experiences, I find that his perspective regarding how the surviving partner experiences the ‘incorporation’ of the shared love/experiences/bond between two lovers after the death of one to be ‘spot on’ as the Brits say.

And so, I found the cartoon from an old New Yorker, also to be spot on in a simply hilarious way. When Martijn became a massage therapist at a large health club in downtown Minneapolis, he chose to use the nickname, ‘Marty’ for his plastic name tag. Anyone who knew Martijn would find this ironic. He was no 'Marty'. But he loved this little joke and thought that the choice of an American-style nickname helped him to fit in better, something at that time in his life he did indeed relish. Similarly, my Marty was no schmoozer. He had no need for small talk – quite contrary, he enjoyed deep and meaningful conversation. But as we know, Martijn was a world-class kibitzer, and on a day I was feeling so low and lonely I turned to this page in a five-year-old magazine to find this cartoon by WEBER. I do apologize to the copyright gods – forgive me for transgressing, but I couldn’t resist. And, yes, I believe that Marty’s Back!

As am I, staying put here in Maastricht until I am whole and centered and balanced and can find my place in the world. This home seems where my Marty can most readily schmooze with me!

Frog Prince and Princess

The Frog Prince and Princess a photoshop illustration created by Barbara Craig. Barbara illustrated and designed this lilly pond and affixed it to elegant deckled paper for us to use as thank you notes for our St. Valentine's Day wedding, thirteen years ago in Minneapolis, MN, in the Whitney Hotel on the banks of the mighty Mississippi River.

And so another 'first' has come to pass. My first wedding anniversary without Martijn. I haven't written for a long time. My feelings and perceptions have been changing too quickly to log, or blog. I have always spoken the truth here and since that 'truth' was changing sometimes minute-by-minute, it was best to reflect rather than write. 

Mostly I am on a forward trajectory, meaning I know I am healing from this great loss. Healing and learning about the grief process. Just when I think I am stabilized a tsunami grief wave tumbles me across the universe. I am sucked below the waves gasping for air simultaneously desiring salvation and death. Sorry about how bleak it sounds, it is. I have had so much support, so many good wishes, so much expectation from friends that I'm 'getting better' that I didn't want to write about these wipeouts. 

Thankfully I mostly feel like the season - the days are lengthening as are my bouts of centeredness.  I continue to realize with my intellect that one day I will look back and know what an astounding time of growth this was for me - a gift. So my brain knows what my soul doesn't yet feel. It longs for Martijn. I miss him with all the fibre of being. My best friend, playmate, companion, lover, brother, father, consoler, confidant, sparing partner is gone. This is the physical reality and it takes a long time to grow into a new self who can forth confidently without him. I was going to say alone, but that isn't the case. I DO feel him as an increasing part of me; I do sense that who I am now is better for having been a part of him. Also, I do love and appreciate my many many friends and family members who have not, will not let me be alone.

So, my dear friend, Hannah DeGorge of Amsterdam, came to spend the anniversary of our anniversary with me. She cooked a cozy meal and we shared it with my mother-in-law, Gerry and Marcel. I showed a few short films of Martijn and me on our honeymoon in Ft. Lauderdale and in Ireland, where Hannah, Gerry and Marcel stayed with us for a while. I felt Martijn dancing within me for having shared our special day with loved ones.

For the time being I have decided to remain right here in Maastricht. I will not be relocating to Philadelphia at present. Upon returning here I realized fully the wisdom of grief counselors who explain that it is unwise to relocate during your first year of mourning. They are right.

So that I am no longer alone in my home I am hosting a wonderful young Spanish architect who is doing her 'residency' here with a local designer. Irene Carlés is 27 and studies in Valencia. She will stay for six months by which time I should have a much better idea of where I need to be in the world. Irene's presence brings a certain light and life that brighten our home. I have begun to swim twice a week again, and to practice yoga under the direction of a dear friend and neighbor, Audrey Sondeijker. 

I am so very grateful to each of you, for your wishes and embraces. Susan