Anointing of the Sick: Father Carel Cares for Martijn

At Martijn's request, Father Carel van Tulder, our beloved retired Jesuit priest who was referred to us by the cancer support organization, the Toon Herman's Huis, came on Monday, June 16th, the day after Pia's lovely concert for Martijn, to offer the catholic sacrement, Anointing of the Sick. Here Father Carel prepares the candles.

Father Carel offers a welcome and explanation.

He dons a very special stola made for him from African material. 

Father Carel anoints Martijn in our home.

The anointing of the sick is administered to bring spiritual and even physical strength during an illness, especially near the time of death. It is most likely one of the last sacraments one will receive. A sacrament is an outward sign to confer inward grace. In more basic terms, it is a rite that is performed to convey God’s grace to the recipient, through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

It has been over a week since Martijn has been able to walk down the steps to sit in our living room. It has been a difficult two weeks for me seeing Martijn less mobile and much weaker. Yet, he still is comfortable. He takes only 10mg of OxyContin twice a day, along with an injection of Fraxiprine daily (administered by a home nurse) to combat the effects of thrombosis. Up until yesterday he was able to walk from our bed to the master bathroom to empty his own catheter bag and brush his teeth - but yesterday he asked that I help with these tasks.

Each morning I prepare a healthy breakfast to bring Martijn: a small juice glass of Kanne Bread drink which I'm sure keeps his intestines well functioning; a brimming pot of Earl Grey or English Breakfast tea, fresh brewed; and a fruit smoothie I prepare with soy milk, light yogurt, Barbara's oat cereal, some oatmeal, and fresh fruits, usually seven types. Two mornings a week a home care nurse comes to wash him; the other days I help, including constant changing of the bandage he must wear over the tumor that has aggressively grown external in his left groin. This tumor leaks lymph fluid and must be 'dry dressed'; horribly, another is now appearing in his right groin. Along with these newly aggressive growths and the thrombosis, the lymph has been collecting in his legs which is why he is unable to walk. Dr. Bom has allowed that the lymph therapist begin again - a positive event since this lymph massage brings much relief to Martijn, reducing the swelling greatly.

For me this has been a very strange yet moving period. I think I am at a new level of acceptance but this has come with much psychological, emotional and physical work. My therapist Alied has  been a rock in helping me process the terrible physical changes I must witness in Martijn. He is literally flesh and bone. But, my 'work' has also allowed me to come to new understanding of our human bodies and souls. Martijn is still my beloved husband and I've come to love and appreciate his body despite its woes. His spirit is so much greater than the poor flesh and bones we tend to think of as 'life'. Today I say this seemingly easily, but the journey to his place, as I have said, has been hard won with much tears and angst.

During this period I took bold personal steps. With the loving assistance of my brother-in-law, Janus, I had a 'free' weekend. He came to care for his brother. The first evening, Friday, June 27th, I took Maurice Schoffelen for a thank you dinner and movie, then I stayed alone at Ursula's apartment while she was away. This was a night that felt like I'd descended to hell. I felt ill, really sick, and so terribly lonely. To get through the night I called Sally Eves in Pennsylvania and as always, she talked me through the worst of it. The following day I spent a wonderful time with Casey O'Dell at the local museum. Casey is like a daughter to me and her empathy and understanding were salve. Later, Claudia Vaz who lives across the hall from us, made a wonderful dinner and Johanna Martinez joined for good conversation and food. Sunday Ursula took me to Thermae 2000, a full spa with multiple pools, whirlpools, saunas and steam rooms. Because Martijn and I so loved being together at Thermae this experience was also bittersweet, but I knew that this weekend off was healing for me as well. And Martijn seemed to bask in the care and attention of his brother and family.

Martijn and I continue to care for each other during this intense journey. I put double meaning on the word, 'care'. In his own powerful way Martijn seeks to protect me from stress and worry. And so we walk together toward this light, this dark light that is our life.