Frog Prince and Princess

The Frog Prince and Princess a photoshop illustration created by Barbara Craig. Barbara illustrated and designed this lilly pond and affixed it to elegant deckled paper for us to use as thank you notes for our St. Valentine's Day wedding, thirteen years ago in Minneapolis, MN, in the Whitney Hotel on the banks of the mighty Mississippi River.

And so another 'first' has come to pass. My first wedding anniversary without Martijn. I haven't written for a long time. My feelings and perceptions have been changing too quickly to log, or blog. I have always spoken the truth here and since that 'truth' was changing sometimes minute-by-minute, it was best to reflect rather than write. 

Mostly I am on a forward trajectory, meaning I know I am healing from this great loss. Healing and learning about the grief process. Just when I think I am stabilized a tsunami grief wave tumbles me across the universe. I am sucked below the waves gasping for air simultaneously desiring salvation and death. Sorry about how bleak it sounds, it is. I have had so much support, so many good wishes, so much expectation from friends that I'm 'getting better' that I didn't want to write about these wipeouts. 

Thankfully I mostly feel like the season - the days are lengthening as are my bouts of centeredness.  I continue to realize with my intellect that one day I will look back and know what an astounding time of growth this was for me - a gift. So my brain knows what my soul doesn't yet feel. It longs for Martijn. I miss him with all the fibre of being. My best friend, playmate, companion, lover, brother, father, consoler, confidant, sparing partner is gone. This is the physical reality and it takes a long time to grow into a new self who can forth confidently without him. I was going to say alone, but that isn't the case. I DO feel him as an increasing part of me; I do sense that who I am now is better for having been a part of him. Also, I do love and appreciate my many many friends and family members who have not, will not let me be alone.

So, my dear friend, Hannah DeGorge of Amsterdam, came to spend the anniversary of our anniversary with me. She cooked a cozy meal and we shared it with my mother-in-law, Gerry and Marcel. I showed a few short films of Martijn and me on our honeymoon in Ft. Lauderdale and in Ireland, where Hannah, Gerry and Marcel stayed with us for a while. I felt Martijn dancing within me for having shared our special day with loved ones.

For the time being I have decided to remain right here in Maastricht. I will not be relocating to Philadelphia at present. Upon returning here I realized fully the wisdom of grief counselors who explain that it is unwise to relocate during your first year of mourning. They are right.

So that I am no longer alone in my home I am hosting a wonderful young Spanish architect who is doing her 'residency' here with a local designer. Irene Carlés is 27 and studies in Valencia. She will stay for six months by which time I should have a much better idea of where I need to be in the world. Irene's presence brings a certain light and life that brighten our home. I have begun to swim twice a week again, and to practice yoga under the direction of a dear friend and neighbor, Audrey Sondeijker. 

I am so very grateful to each of you, for your wishes and embraces. Susan