Give it all up to be with you

Martijn, Sante Fe, New Mexico, October 1999 

It is November 1, 2008, nine years since our carefree trip to sunny New Mexico, where we spent two weeks in the loving care of our dear friend, Rick Ruff. In the above photo Martijn stands before the Tibetan Rug store, dressed in his Tibetan pants. We intentionally purchased one of our Asian rugs from this store, since proceeds went directly to peace efforts to restore the Tibetan people to their rightful land and culture. This was a most delightful trip for us, with Rick serving as a gallant host while we explored this desert region we both so adored. Martijn and I were truly soul mate travelers. Our countless trips and adventures fill me with joyous memories.

Right now I am listening to music to heal my soul. This is a song by Donovan that expresses one part of how I currently feel:

"Give it All Up"

from the album, Sutras, by Donovan Leitch

No gold worth digging for
Without your golden love
No treasure rich enough
To be without your love
No sorrow deeper than
To be away from you
No distance farther than
A night not spent with you
No diamond brighter than
The light within your eyes
No star I gaze at
Brighter in these skies
No sadness deeper than
This longing for you
I'd give it all up
To be with you
This night of darkness
I lay upon my bed
All alone and lonely
Remembering words you said
No goal worth striving for
Without your golden smiles
Never again we'll part
No more the lonely miles

Here in Maastricht I continue to heal and grieve. That is the way. I have learned much from the best book for anyone who has lost a love to death: How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, by Therese A. Rando, Ph.D., recommended by beloved friend, Sally Eves, Ph.D., also a psychologist who works with patients in grief occasionally. Since I so depend upon my good friends, and care about how they feel for (and worry about) me, I quote this passage from Dr. Rando, which clearly identifies the need for people to not run from their grief:

Recognize that you must yield to the painful process of grief. ...[T]here is no way to go over, around, or under grief - you must go through it. Grief cannot be delayed indefinitely; it will erupt in some way, directly or indirectly. The inescapable fact is that you have sustained a major loss requiring a painful period of readjustment that demands excruciatingly hard work and causes more pain and trouble if you do not attend to it. If you want to get done with your grief, you must go through the pain. Although the pain is distressing, the experience and release of it is a healing part of the process.

And so it is. It is good for good friends to know and understand the wisdom that grief is hard work. It is work. It cannot nor should not be avoided or it may never be resolved. It is not a condition for which such toss-away sayings as: "Get on with your life" or "Stiff upper lip" are helpful, as well-intended as some may mean these to be. There is a difference between a healthy acceptance of one's loss with its concurrent acceptance of the pain and a prolonged never-ending depression. Good friends of those who have suffered a major loss should rather ask respectful questions regarding how we feel, how we're getting along, what we need. 

So, it was very meaningful to receive the email copied below from one of my cherished friends from my Master's Program here in Maastricht. I respect and care for Anne and was comforted by her text:

Hey Susan,

I hope you are well even though you are going through a difficult time. I can imagine how hard it is to settle in this new situation, even if you knew it was coming. But I am sure you optimism and your curiosity about life and all the new impressions and situations it brings up will help you to find your way.

I sometimes thought in the last weeks, that your emotionality might make it a bit more difficult for you than it would be for others to look ahead, but in the end I believe it is the best way to cope instead of burying unfinished thoughts and unsaid feelings inside. I believe in you :-)
...
All the best
Anne

To all my precious and wonderful friends, thank you for walking this journey with me. Please know how much your love and support means to me. I think about each friend I have often and cherish her/his contribution to my life. I am making 'progress', if you wish to call it that. I am moving toward my future, but only with your love and care, and of course, with the incredible spirit of Martijn that truly communicates with me. Today, he returned as a blackbird, just like he said he would, during a moment of decision-making. I do not make this up!

All my love, Susan