The Two of Us, Maastricht, the Netherlands, 2004
I’m on a major Ferris wheel these days as what would have been my and Martijn’s 15th wedding anniversary on Valentine’s Day, February 14th approaches. I am feeling isolated and very under utilized. I often feel lost and what I imagine is depressed, needing to pull myself into any meaningful activity.
The missing of Martijn’s human presence is visceral, cutting deep into my stomach where it feels as though there is a gapping hungry hole never never to be filled again. I miss the balance, love and perspective he gave me, the unconditional love that I’d searched a lifetime for, found and lost. It is never enough for me to acknowledge that ‘at least I had such a love’ when ‘so many others never experience it’ – the mantra of good friends with good intentions.
Yet, I know that is all I can do, accept where I am now, and try to make sense of what I have and what I’ve lost, and move forward in this life with dignity.
I do need to find a place for me to contribute to the ‘greater good’. That desire burns too brightly and consistently for me to ignore. And so I’m thrashing about trying to do so, trying to not let the sadness and hurt get the better of me, and to practice the Zen art of stepping back from the torrent of thoughts produced by my restless mind until I can see the joke of this deluge, see it for all its ‘tricksiness’ as Gollum in Lord of the Rings would say, and to instead find my inner peace. For without that peace I will not be good to anyone else, let alone myself.
If there is way/place/act that I’m meant to fulfill to help make this planet a better place for the seven generations out, as the Native Americans and other indigenous peoples realize is our task as stewards of the earth, I hope it finds me or I find it. I honestly invite my destiny and hopefully assume that when the student is ready the teacher will indeed come. He did before and his name was Martijn.
2 comments:
Dear Suzie,
On this Valentine's day, all my love and positive thoughts go to you! I know they are hardly enough to fill in the gaping hole in your soul, but I'm hoping that when added to all the love that your friends have for you, you'll be able to feel at least a tiny bit of the warmth that you and Martijn had for each other, rather than the excruciating pain of missing him! The picture of the two of you, that you posted the other day reminded me of how radiant you were next to each other, and how happy and amazed I felt, when I first saw it. Lots of hugs from me, Suzie!
Rumi
Kimberly Ferreira Hi Susie,
An amazing heartfelt tribute to your husband's wisdom and your search for meaning.
We had a deep freeze for days last week that was unknown to Tucsonians, our landscape and plantlife. In my ruminating thoughts and pain this week, I failed to notice, outside of my own backyard landscape, how much vegetation has perished around me in my beloved town. I understand that I may or may not recover my backyard citrus grove and queen palm this spring. I only know that I will delight if and when the sprouts start anew and that I have a lot of prunning and cutting to do after, I see this green life again. Nature has an amazing ability to regenrate and so does man. This is a remant of one string of thought today that I can connect with your writing.
Sending love your way on your 15th anniversary. 15 was a very magic year for me... I wish the same for this anniversary year for you.
Kim
Post a Comment