Memories, memorials, movement

In Memory of the Valor and the Sacrifices which Hallow this Soil

reads the stunning monument directly behind me at the American Cemetery at Margraten, the Netherlands, a short drive outside of Maastricht. It was to this still and truly holy place that Martijn took each of our guests without exception. And on Memorial Day Sunday, May 24, 2009, I was privilieged to be the invited guest of Democrats Abroad to witness the stirring ceremony that each year marks the gratitude of the liberated European for their American liberators.

Dutch vetrans honor the 8301 known fallen American comrades and the 1722 MIAs.

The reflecting pond at the entrance of the cemetery

On the trail from Maastricht to Eijsden a wildlife area features wild ponies. Friday, May 29, 2009.

My life has been filled with memories, memorials and movement. I now walk twice a week along the lovely River Maas towards the village of Eijsden. I'm now up to 5 miles. The movement helps put my memories of Martijn into a perspective. We loved this walk, although Martijn's favorite was on the opposing bank of the river which is wilder and less used. 

The days here have been mostly stunning - azure blue skies and mild temperatures. Soon I will begin with a bit of consulting work - the first in a long, long time. The spring has provided me a gentler backdrop for my grief, which continues to lodge deep in my soul. Missing Martijn sometimes becomes so visceral that I quake from the sense of loss. Mostly I propel myself forward into time and space for that is what MUST be done. But I've learned that only those with this same experience truly understand the how mystical this journey is. 

Rest In Peace

Frogs in love, Rotterdam 1995, photo taken by John Cuningham

Frogs dancing in the lily pond, created for Martijn's Memorial, Oostermaas Cemetery, Maastricht

The site is very peaceful. As Martijn wished, it is located directly adjacent to his grandparents final resting place, shown here to the left. The memorial is not quite complete - in the center of the circle an etched hand-blown circle of glass will contain the first photo taken of us and the wedding prayer from the Kabbalah that was our private theme: Two souls destined together...

In Memory of my Mother, Emma Schaefer

My mother, Emma, and me, in front of Steel Pier, Atlantic City, New Jersey

Summer 1952 - I was just two years old.

The following poem is from an collection entitled: Ride the New Morning, self published in 1983, Shepherd's Bush Press.

Emma

By chance I glanced at my reflection

and saw there – you.

I’ve not noted you in my face before,

but I’ve felt you inhabit my thighs and belly

so round like yours,

and at times my woman smell recalls

images of you and me together in

our claw-footed tub,

me so small next to your Boticellian swells

ripe in womanhood.

And in my bathroom now with

its claw footed tub

hangs our Atlantic City portrait –

you, Romanian, really, gypsy-looking

and me in the 50s sailor suit

posed in an-honest-to-God

paper moon.

 

Mommy

you were mommy

never mother

sometimes, ma

and so sadly

you were not all there,

not quite sane,

a little over ripe,

but a beauty in an aesthetic long departed.

And mostly you were mine,

though I never showed the love,

always called “daddy’s girl”…

but I loved, I love you still.

 

by Susan Schaefer ©1983 Ride the New Morning

Going Dutch

Café Zondag, Maastricht, ©2006 Susan Schaefer

Dutch life can be very very good. It follows a different pace, more liquidy and in harmony with being in the present moment than life in America. I've written extensively on the perceptions of my life here, but I must defer to a more skilled hand than mine to give you yet another perspective. The incredibly talented writer, Russell Shorto, has penned piece that captures Dutch Life through his unique lens. Please click on Going Dutch and sit back with a really good cup of coffee to enjoy. Martijn discovered Shorto when he read a review of his incredible history of the founding of Manhattan by the Dutch, entitled, Island at the Center of the World. Who could have imagined an historic epic to be so entertaining? What is better than to learn and savor simultaneously? Martijn devoured this wonderful book which he presented to me as a holiday gift. I have read and reread it. Shorto's writing is pure joy. He's a writer's writer and so the book became for me at once a guidepost to better understand many aspects of my adopted country while also providing a benchmark toward writing well.

Please read Going Dutch. You'll better understand my dilemma as I try to create my future life. Together with Martijn the choice to remain here seemed simple. My plans to bridge my own and the Dutch cultures seemed prudent. I continue to work towards a resolution that will allow me to build that bridge. Meanwhile, have a good read.

Cats, Hats, Friends, Family

Cat: See the kitty? Medieval house cat. Eupen, Belgium.

Hat/Friend: Ursula sits pretty on her Maastricht balcony.

Friends: Sandra, Maurice and children Brit and Levi on their Maastricht terrace.

Family: Me and Irma, my sister-in-law, at Wok Restaurant, Maastricht, celebrating Geri's 78th birthday.

Family: Mother Geri, brother-in-law, Janus and Marcel, in the backyard of our little 'cabin' in Lanaken, Belgium. 

Friend: Jacques finds a weed 'torch' to blast his weeds in a garden center in Berg en Terblijt, a village just outside Maastricht.

Each day a new beginning. It remains a task to move through life without Martijn. I schedule many activities in order to rise from bed and move forth. The house is so lonely. We were so affectionate - every day embraces, snuggles and hugs. Our affection touched also many others - friends and family. They were aware of our intimacy. The lack of this pure affection is like missing air, food and water. I can intellectually reconstruct my life, but for this loss there is no ready compensation.

There are some stirrings on the work front and I'm beginning to be able to envision a future life. But I'm very much in the present - aware, painfully aware sometimes, of the passage of time. 

Luckily, Maastricht is verdant green with outstanding weather and and long, light evenings which makes everything more bearable. Directly outside my floor to ceiling walls of windows the resident blackbird family cheers me. Martijn told me he would return as a blackbird with an orange beak, and morning, noon and night, there is that sleek winged messenger, mouth packed full of still wriggling worms, giving me hope of the continuum of our fragile existence. 

As these smiling faces show, I continue to be blessed by the presence of angels who masquerade on earth as humans. 

Queen's Day Tragedy

Pool photograph by Robin Utrecht

People lay injured after a car careened into a holiday parade that included Queen Beatrix 

and the royal family in the Dutch city of Apeldoorn on Thursday.

On a fleckless day reserved for a celebration unique in all the world, Queen's Day in the Netherlands, chaos replaced the cheering, and violence routed the celebration which commemorates the Queen's birthday. 

I had planned a funny little story to explain this quintessential Dutch holiday to my readers. It is a day when the entire Netherlands becomes one huge garage sale where everyone from 8 to 80 puts out their trash and treasures for others to purchase typically spending their gains buying  similar trash and treasure from a neighboring 'salesperson'. It's usually great fun with food, fireworks, and music, but today at least four people have been killed and dozens injured in a vicious attack intended on the Royal Family. Details are only just emerging. 

Dutch Royal Family

Unlike other royals, the Dutch Royals, headed by Queen Beatrix (middle in lavender) are quite down-to-earth. Although descended from the historic Orange Family, with a strong Protestant legacy, these royals are equally beloved in this tiny country from east to west, and north to south, which is strongly Catholic. Queen's Day is a national day off that occurs each April 30th, and this year offers a long holiday weekend with May 5th, Liberation Day, another holiday, falling on a Tuesday. For now the festive feeling is gone.  

Martijn was not a  big fan of this particular holiday, mostly shunning crowds and loud music. But like his compatriots, he was fond of the Dutch Royals since they represent the best of an antiquated system, using their power and influence to do much good across the country and beyond. On a day that should have been filled with mirth and merriment innocent bystanders are maimed and slaughtered. My heart goes out to the friends and families of those touched by this tragedy.

Nine Months

Monday morning, April 20, 2009. A lone duck ponders sunrise on the Jeker River that runs into the River Meuse (Maas). This spot is along the outermost of the city's old walls that frames a quaint park where we often walked.

It has been a very mixed week for me. I did not have any jet lag after returning from Florida and was able to quickly get back into a rhythm that included an early morning walk to the University of Maastricht's Business Faculty building where in I used to teach. Typically, there I would pick up the Wall Street Journal and Financial Times and chat with one of my favorite people - Karin Post, who worked the reception desk. Karin and I had promised to transform our informal morning chats into a lunch once we returned from our respective vacations. Monday, hoping to find her at her regular spot, instead I learned that Karin suffered a fatal heart attack while she was on holiday in Africa. The news impacted me hard - Karin had lost her husband years back and was one of those friends who knew what it meant to lose a beloved spouse. I grieve for her sons who are now without parents and for all who basked in her radiant good humor. I have lost a future friend and was deeply saddened.

Barbara Lukermann, Birchwood Cafe, Seward Neighborhood, Winter 2005

The news of the death of Karin Post followed the news of the death of my dear friend, Barbara Lukermann, who died in Minneapolis after her valiant struggle with cancer. I was so lucky to have Barbara in my life as a friend, mentor and colleague. She is legend in the field of Urban Planning and is widely recognized for her contributions to the Humphrey Institute, University of Minnesota, where her colleagues and students have honored her by naming a lounge center in her name. I will miss Barbara's gentle wisdom and friendship and offer my condolences to her family, friends, students and colleagues. A bright light has gone out. 

Marcel Winten and Geri Hermse Mullens, April 21, 2009, Eupen, Belgium

Tuesday Marcel and Geri kindly shuttled me to nearby Eupen, Belgium where my dear friend (and gynecologist) Christiane Schneider has her practice. As is always the way with Geri and Marcel, we made an outing of what turned out to be a glorious day. After my examination I treated them to a fine lunch in a lovely garden recommended by Christiane; then, we enjoyed window shopping and a drink on a terrace in front of Eupen's Cathedral (background).

Yesterday was Geri's 78th birthday and the day Martijn's monument was placed on his grave. We visited together making this heavy event easier for all of us. I prepared a very special dinner for Geri, and we dined by candlelight. I have grown increasingly close to my mother-in-law and her partner of 28 years, Marcel, and feel fortunate for this blessing.  

Tomorrow marks nine months since Martijn died. The time it takes to grow a fertilized egg into baby. Nine months brings forth life in human terms. My life is beginning to take on a new and different meaning. I'm so glad it's Spring. Sunday the entire family will come to celebrate mother's birthday. And, we will go to the cemetery together and honor our beloved husband, son, brother, brother-in-law, and uncle as one united unit. From death to life - then we will all go to a buffet in honor of mother's birthday. 

I decided to make a composite photo for mother which I had framed. The inset, the kiss, is from an outing last April, one of Martijn's last, to a small petting zoo in Born. The larger photo is from our first Christmas here and is taken in front of the Kasteel Hoensbroek. She was very moved by this gift.

Time of Healing

Susan and Cindy, Boca Raton, Florida, April 14, 2009

Typically vacation time flies by. This trip was different. Time seemed to go at its appointed pace, neither too fast nor slow. My stay at Cindy's was balm for my soul. Her home is a place where Martijn and I stayed each year for almost 12 years. But I've know Cindy for over 35 years, so I have had memories from a time before my marriage. This factored into making this a trip of healing for me. It was the first time since Martijn's death that I've felt so relaxed, so in my own skin. Much of this was due to Cindy's generosity and pure friendship. Each morning while she worked, I had time to spend alone - walking to our beloved Light House Point, wandering along the beach, sitting and watching the sea, swimming in her pool - all the time reflecting how happy these simple activities made Martijn, and how happy they make me. Cindy kept me busy in the afternoons with little trips and visits and fun dinners out. Our schedule was perfect and for me, stress-less, as Cindy did all the planning and driving. As a plus, I met a wonderful new friend who is originally from the Netherlands, Ineke Wolfs, who kindly drove me to the airport on my departure day. And, I had time to spend a little more time with her neighbors, Barbara and Michael, who are salt of the earth individuals. So, once again, through friendship and caring I am ushered into the springtime of my mourning, able to enjoy the tender green leaves and colorful sprouts, even through my occasional tears.

Birthday Awakening

Me and Cindy, my birthday, Palm Beach, Florida, April 5, 2009

This is my third journey to the United States since Martijn passed away. I wanted to pass my birthday in the company of my dear friend, Cindy Serano, for multiple reasons. Cindy is one of the warmest most authentic people I know. She lives 'inside her skin' - open and giving. Her warmth is legendary amongst her friends who bask in its glow. I do not exaggerate - and therefore I feel most fortunate to be counted amongst her long-time, good friends.

Cindy's home is where Martijn and spent our honeymoon 13 years ago just after Valentine's Day. And, year after year her chosen spot in south Florida is where we pilgrimaged, incorporating our family with hers.

Vince, Cindy, Me and Martijn February 2005, Fairchild Botanical Garden, Coral Gables, Florida, Dale Chihuly exhibit

Once Cindy met my beloved Aunt Ada, she welcomed Ada into the life of her cherished elders - her mother and Aunt Evelyn. On one of our many trips here, we brought Martijn's mother, Geri and Marcel. That trip remains one of my most cherished times here. We stayed in a penthouse apartment overlooking Pompano Beach's spectacular Light House Cove, with its pristine expanse of turquoise water and fine white sand. During that trip we introduced Cindy's family and mine to my in-laws, meshing circles in a most loving and natural way - my favorite pastime. 

Me and dear Aunt Ada, Cindy's Patio, Pompano Beach

And there's more. Cindy sadly understands all too well what I'm currently experiencing. Twenty-five years ago her beloved husband and my beloved friend, Michael, died in a tragic accident, leaving her a young widow with an eight-year-old son, Andy. Michael Serano was my first friend to die. The impact of his death has stayed with me all these years. Now, I am united with Cindy in an unenviable pact - "the sisterhood of those who have lost that which is most dear". 

Cindy created a happy day for me. We spent the night before with dear old friends, Elise and Andy Charne, for a Chinese dinner. My birthday was spent in the company of Billy Tyson and his wife, Eddie, dear dear friends for over 30 years, who hosted us for a brunch on their balcony overlooking Palm Beach. Later in the day we joined Michael and Barbara, Cindy's neighbors who have become great friends over the these many years, for a sunset on Pompano Beach.

Elise and Andy

Bill, Eddie and Cindy

Michael and Barbara

I was graced with birthday greetings from friends everywhere, helping me through this first post-Martijn event. And, with the warm southern Florida winds beneath my wings, I see glimmers of my future unfolding. Only those with a special understanding of loss and letting go can truly 'know' how difficult it is to see such a future. All of the zen quotes and wisdom of letting go and being in the present don't really contribute to this giant step. Each individual must arrive there at her/his own time. Grief therapists understand that this 'embracing the future' means, in fact, a second sense of loss. Another shock. But, in the embrace of so many friends, that shock is lessened and the future beckons. Thank you for this gift, dear friends. 

A Thank You Party for those who helped

Dozens of our friends and even strangers helped us through caring for Martijn during his courageous battle with cancer. It truly takes a village to provide the type of care Martijn cherished during his final days. He chose to die with dignity at home, surrounded by loved ones from all corners of the world. Through the efforts of so many people Martijn truly lived until he died. He wouldn't have had it any other way.

And so, I chose in the best way that I could to say thank you by hosting a very special evening at Maastricht's Toon Hermans Huis, a marvelous volunteer organization dedicated to providing support and services to those who are affected by cancer. On a stunning evening, March 17, 2009, friends and family gathered at the historic building that houses THHM, just across from the St. Jan's Kerk where Martijn's funeral was held, to enjoy music played by the extraordinary Jacques Ogg and a short concert by the talented Pia Brand. Then we feasted on food prepared by Alex Bos, who is one of THHM's incredible volunteers. The evening was pure magic. I shall never be able to thank each of you enough, but accept this short film and thanks from my heart.

Sun, Moon and Stars

Reflective Leadership - Harry Potter

In a departure from my journaling about my life, my love and my recent loss, I have decided to post a bookreview I made during Martijn's illness. It is about two themes I respect: Reflective Leadership and, believe it or not, Harry Potter. I also just posted this on Amazon's site as a review. It should appear in about two days from today. 

Potter's Real Power: Reflective Leadership

by Susan Schaefer
March 11, 2009

The seventh installment of the Harry Potter phenomenon, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows has been documented, dissected, discussed, and dis'd in print, online and on the airways. Never was a book so eagerly anticipated nor so widely read. Its readership cuts across generation, gender and geography. From lofty literary reviewers to adolescent blogs, the adventures of Harry and his fellowship have undergone as serious scrutiny as the spread of avian flu. Their creator, J.K. Rowling, has been equally examined with the ferocity and frenzy worthy of a life-threatening pandemic.

And deservedly so; Rowling’s accomplishment warrants the exposure and limelight. After its release in summer of 2007, real world "Muggle" coverage of war, famine, floods and random violence returned soon enough. I found it satisfying that the stir of a book had the power to whisk the war in Iraq, the primary election campaigns in America, the floods in Britain, the fires in southern Europe, and global terrorism off our minds, albeit for a brief summer respite. Now in spite of in America’s new leadership, newer crises are taking center stage. Perhaps President Obama, and his EU colleagues, Prime Minister Brown, President Sarkozy and Prime Minister Merkel, along with other world leaders can still learn a lesson from the boy wizard...

While multiple themes thread throughout the Potter series, this final volume touches on a noble topic: Harry’s ultimate feat is attainment of collaborative, reflective leadership.

For thousands of years mythology has focused on sole heroes attaining supreme power: "Divine right" backed by divine might; one absolute hero vanquishing or vanquished by one clear villain. From Beowulf to Batman, heroes act alone and conquer evil. America’s past zealous administration sought to obliterate "evil empires". The message was dominate or be dominated. China seems still caught in this futile web.

As the globalized world struggles with the need for multilateral cooperation, the concept of shared leadership has advanced. Harvard University has produced, Getting to Yes, and scholar Joseph Nye, who defines soft power "as the ability to get what you want by attracting and persuading others to adopt your goals." Riane Eisler, author of the stunning, Chalice and the Blade, and more recent, The Real Wealth of Nations, urges modern authors to rewrite stories that perpetuate the domination legends, replacing them with partnership myths. Knowingly or not, J.K. Rowling has taken an influential step in this direction.

Although her portrayal of Lord Voldermort falls under the prototypical arch villain mold, Rowling counterpoints this caricature by crafting Harry’s development as a reflective, indeed reluctant leader. Barbara Crosby, of the Reflective Leadership Center at the University of Minnesota's Humphrey Institute, and many of her colleagues in the field, define leadership as "the inspiration and mobilization of others to undertake collective action in pursuit of the common good."

While themes of love, friendship, trust and loyalty fly like broomsticks throughout the Potter opus, in the end, the "pursuit of the common good" theme emerges prominently. And, the conceit isn’t overly simplified. Harry and other characters question what constitutes "common good." Teenage Harry’s reflective abilities are toughened when he learns that his mentor and hero, Dumbledore, may have been misguided in his own youthful understanding of this concept. Harry must not only grasp the nuances of Dumbledore’s transgressions, but also forgive them.

This ability to expose fallibility and forgiveness in lead characters, particularly in Harry, renders Deathly Hallows as more than a traditional fantasy morality tale. Rowling encourages readers to think critically about what makes Harry a hero, what influences his choices.

The parting 17-year-old Harry Potter is imbued with a finer capacity than sword or wand play or sheer magical attainment. Throughout the series he has fiercely sought truth; in this final quest he gains a most valuable ability – understanding and self-knowledge.

In 1997 scholars Begley and Jacobs wrote that: "Leadership is the process of maximizing the capability of people to fulfill purpose through the development of character." J.K. Rowling has succeeded in casting the Harry Potter series as an extended bildungsroman. Harry Potter the boy undergoes the requisite conflicts between his needs and those of the society around him. He emerges as a more modern hero.

When Harry chooses collaboration over his past preferred isolation to guide his choices he advances his goals. He comes to understand and accept his own and others’ limitations. Harry overcomes his former wavering ability to trust others. In this final episode, Rowling masterfully releases Potter to his potential as "a first among equals" - a prima inter pares, thereby producing the ripple effect of allowing others to lead. In fact, another ultimately wields the hero’s sword – it is an ally, not a solitary hero, who literally slays the dragon, well, snake. Harry Potter triumphs through partnership. This is the real power of Potter. And we hope, of the new free world leaders.

-The End-

Winter Scenes

Surrounded by loving friends and family this winter has moved along. Now Spring is almost here so I take time to remember some special moments.

Mariska van Exel, Jens Haase and me, February 2009

My nephew Jony turns 19! March 2009

My brother-in-law, Janus with my nephew, Levien who is making shampoo at the Science Museum in nearby Kerkrade.

Uncle Jan turns 70! Here, from bottom left: Marcel, Aunts Sus and Sybil, Uncle Jan, cousin Robert Jan, Aunt Inne, mother-in-law, Geri. February 2009

On February 22nd there was a Mass in honor of Martijn. Afterwards we visited the cemetery and then I suggested we watch a bit of Carnival. Here are Geri and Marcel at the parade.

Las Muchachas: Dinner at Claudias with: l to r back row: Mari, Claudia, Irene; front row, Ana, me, Pilar. February

Claudia thought it would be good to register for a course in creativity and spirituality. Here is the mermaid I drew. First we had an imaged meditation then we scribbled what we felt. She just floated to the surface of the scribble.

The larger view

Martijn Hermse, Schiphol Airport, June 1995. This is a photo of our first goodbye after meeting, falling in love and spending an entire month together in Amsterdam. Truthfully, it was almost our last goodbye. Martijn soon came to Minnesota for a month. Then I returned to Europe on business two times - the second of which Martijn returned with me to America to begin our life together, not to be separated again.

This morning I awoke alone in the house again. My dear Spanish roommate, Irene, has moved into her own apartment so she can enjoy a more independent lifestyle during her architecture internship here in Maastricht. I miss her but this decision is good. We'll now continue our friendship but not living in the same space.

I awoke this morning also not alone, filled with the growing reconnection I am receiving via the virtual world! How strange. I am so much a flesh and blood individual but email, the web, FaceBook, even LinkedIn are now filling me with life-like connectedness, which I need. Even my daily, customized horoscope occasionally provides me 'spot on' advice. Like this morning's : 

The larger view
Psychologically, this influence broadens your comprehension of any issue that you are interested in and your understanding of life in general as you encounter it today. You are concerned with the largest, most comprehensive possible view, and you are eager to incorporate new information into your way of looking at the world. At the same time you are intellectually more tolerant of other viewpoints, seeing them not as a threat to your views, but as a way of enlarging them. Your ability to see the larger view today enables you to plan with foresight. Where others see only confusion, you can see a pattern and come up with insights that will amaze others. In business or social activities you are able to organize very effectively, grouping people together so they can work most efficiently.

I did awake this morning with a larger view, even before I consulted the "oracle" heh, heh. One of the emails I received this morning was from a dear and cherished friend from Minneapolis who Martijn and I considered the aunty of our beloved cats, Yin, Yang and Snoepje. Aunt Jane Eyestone, a tremendously talented photographer and designer, and I are back in touch. I hope she doesn't mind, but here's an excerpt from my response to her email that indeed reflects my "larger view":

... Regarding your present situation – it is unbelievably difficult now for so many in the world. According to the ancient Mayans we are entering a truly New Age. I always believed this would happen, but who knew it would happen this way - a global economic crisis, a new American President who is almost mythological in proportion, civil unrest intensifying in so many places in the world, and so on. Certainly losing Martijn for me trumps all of this. It provides a ‘terrible’ perspective. But it doesn’t mitigate nor minimize the suffering, the fear, the sense of loss and instability that you and others are now feeling. Sometimes I feel that Martijn was so spiritual, so gentle, so, if you’ll forgive me, holy, that his death, which he did with so much grace for OTHERS, has had a profound impact on my ability to process this immense external crisis better. I often think that Martijn gifted me when he passed on. I’ve gone through stages regarding my feelings about this gift – anger being a big one. We often promised each other to never leave the other. (He knew that one of my greatest emotional fears was abandonment.) So, indeed, his death triggered this greatest fear. But, somehow, all the surrounding elements in my life have provided me the way to work through this fear for the first time, the first time ever. Pretty big gift, yes?

So, I think this time on earth could be the pretty big gift for all of us, well, for most of us, if we can only learn how to go through it in grace rather than fear and anger. This is long way to say I hope you keep your faith in how good and talented you are. In how much others see this and appreciate you. I’m a big fan and am hoping to see you and spend time together again in the near future.

Big hugs, Susan

Angel Sightings

"Marty's back. He says he couldn't find anybody to schmooze with." 

©2004 WEBER 

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was
smiling.

Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and
everyone around you is crying.

- From an email sent by good friend, Kay Dixon

Martijn lived his life just this way. He truly died with a smile on his face. During the time we were together, almost 14 years, he had found a center and balance, a rhythm and perspective in his life that many of us strive towards or pray for. Martijn would be the first to laugh off any portrait that would depict him as perfect, or an angel; however, he would readily admit that he had discovered a way to be comfortable in his own skin. Said another way, he worked at being an individual who stayed true to his values – he truly worked at it. And as it became inevitable that his time on earth was ending, he strove also towards acceptance of that and in so doing, he found peace. 

We had the time to share between us his insights, hopes and fears, and I can say, he was not afraid of dying and he believed that his spirit would return to protect me, to help me through what he knew already would be my own dark days. In calm and serenity, I can report that his spirit is here within me just as he predicted and promised. Not only have I felt it, but I have witnessed physical manifestations. And last week, a friend who was here for tea saw the same manifestation and blurted out “Oh, I’ve just seen Martijn here!”

Many of you will take such information in your own way. Some simply will be happy that I find comfort in such ‘imaginings’. Some will be worried that I am somehow ‘off-kilter’ or worse, delusional. Some will nod, maybe secretly acknowledging that they, too, have had sensations of, well – knowledge that there exists something more beyond our living, human physical presence. And others won’t care at all, simply hoping that I am moving forward, ‘making progress’, staying rational. Whatever your beliefs, it should be comforting to know that I am more and more at peace, feeling ‘my wings’ again. Martijn told me and wrote to me that he ‘knew’ we would never be separated, even through death, and now seven months later, I understand what he meant, in a positive and good way.

My therapist, Alied, gave me a lovely, powerful, challenging book written by the renowned author of The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis, entitled, A Grief Observed, written as a journal after the death of his beloved wife. I recommend this book for anyone who wants a raw and brilliant analysis of experiencing loss of a beloved mate. Though I do not share many of Lewis’ insights or experiences, I find that his perspective regarding how the surviving partner experiences the ‘incorporation’ of the shared love/experiences/bond between two lovers after the death of one to be ‘spot on’ as the Brits say.

And so, I found the cartoon from an old New Yorker, also to be spot on in a simply hilarious way. When Martijn became a massage therapist at a large health club in downtown Minneapolis, he chose to use the nickname, ‘Marty’ for his plastic name tag. Anyone who knew Martijn would find this ironic. He was no 'Marty'. But he loved this little joke and thought that the choice of an American-style nickname helped him to fit in better, something at that time in his life he did indeed relish. Similarly, my Marty was no schmoozer. He had no need for small talk – quite contrary, he enjoyed deep and meaningful conversation. But as we know, Martijn was a world-class kibitzer, and on a day I was feeling so low and lonely I turned to this page in a five-year-old magazine to find this cartoon by WEBER. I do apologize to the copyright gods – forgive me for transgressing, but I couldn’t resist. And, yes, I believe that Marty’s Back!

As am I, staying put here in Maastricht until I am whole and centered and balanced and can find my place in the world. This home seems where my Marty can most readily schmooze with me!

Frog Prince and Princess

The Frog Prince and Princess a photoshop illustration created by Barbara Craig. Barbara illustrated and designed this lilly pond and affixed it to elegant deckled paper for us to use as thank you notes for our St. Valentine's Day wedding, thirteen years ago in Minneapolis, MN, in the Whitney Hotel on the banks of the mighty Mississippi River.

And so another 'first' has come to pass. My first wedding anniversary without Martijn. I haven't written for a long time. My feelings and perceptions have been changing too quickly to log, or blog. I have always spoken the truth here and since that 'truth' was changing sometimes minute-by-minute, it was best to reflect rather than write. 

Mostly I am on a forward trajectory, meaning I know I am healing from this great loss. Healing and learning about the grief process. Just when I think I am stabilized a tsunami grief wave tumbles me across the universe. I am sucked below the waves gasping for air simultaneously desiring salvation and death. Sorry about how bleak it sounds, it is. I have had so much support, so many good wishes, so much expectation from friends that I'm 'getting better' that I didn't want to write about these wipeouts. 

Thankfully I mostly feel like the season - the days are lengthening as are my bouts of centeredness.  I continue to realize with my intellect that one day I will look back and know what an astounding time of growth this was for me - a gift. So my brain knows what my soul doesn't yet feel. It longs for Martijn. I miss him with all the fibre of being. My best friend, playmate, companion, lover, brother, father, consoler, confidant, sparing partner is gone. This is the physical reality and it takes a long time to grow into a new self who can forth confidently without him. I was going to say alone, but that isn't the case. I DO feel him as an increasing part of me; I do sense that who I am now is better for having been a part of him. Also, I do love and appreciate my many many friends and family members who have not, will not let me be alone.

So, my dear friend, Hannah DeGorge of Amsterdam, came to spend the anniversary of our anniversary with me. She cooked a cozy meal and we shared it with my mother-in-law, Gerry and Marcel. I showed a few short films of Martijn and me on our honeymoon in Ft. Lauderdale and in Ireland, where Hannah, Gerry and Marcel stayed with us for a while. I felt Martijn dancing within me for having shared our special day with loved ones.

For the time being I have decided to remain right here in Maastricht. I will not be relocating to Philadelphia at present. Upon returning here I realized fully the wisdom of grief counselors who explain that it is unwise to relocate during your first year of mourning. They are right.

So that I am no longer alone in my home I am hosting a wonderful young Spanish architect who is doing her 'residency' here with a local designer. Irene Carlés is 27 and studies in Valencia. She will stay for six months by which time I should have a much better idea of where I need to be in the world. Irene's presence brings a certain light and life that brighten our home. I have begun to swim twice a week again, and to practice yoga under the direction of a dear friend and neighbor, Audrey Sondeijker. 

I am so very grateful to each of you, for your wishes and embraces. Susan

New Year's Eve 2008

New Year's Eve, with Suzanne and Rich, 1998

Ten years have passed since this photo was snapped. Tonight I sit in Philadelphia, my hometown. Martijn expressed a strong interest a few years ago in moving here with me. Now it seems I may make that desire a reality.

Since arriving here in mid-November, my days have alternated between very busy and totally still, drinking in memories and moments of Martijn. I have been blessed by the constant attention and care of many friends near and far, and even of strangers who have morphed into new friends during this transitional stay here in my hometown.

Today I have taken a serious step toward making the transition back to Philly. I have signed an agreement in principle on a lease/purchase of a unique loft/warehouse space in the Overbrook section of the city, directly next to the SEPTA Overbrook Train Station. The place is mine until summer when I will know if I can finance a mortgage. All of my friends who have seen this space agree it's totally 'me' and I know that Martijn would have loved such an original space and location with all its beauty and also its edginess, for edgy it is.

This decision will not come as a huge surprise to most of my friends since I have been talking about where it will be best for me. However, the decision to move still has some uncertainty. Should a concrete job offer occur in the Netherlands that has good promise for me, I will act accordingly. Beyond a doubt, though, it feels as if I will have better options being back in my own country. Hopefully, I can continue to bridge both continents whatever I end up doing.

So, I move forward acting 'as if' as the reigning wisdom recommends to do. Little by little the acting shall become more integrated, hence more authentic. So, I wish you each the brightest new year ever. Please don't allow the grim news to outweigh the positives that are possible. Remember that in America, Barack Obama, has become president. With your imagination, anything and all is possible. Just set your mind to it. 

Thank you for your friendship.

xoxxo, Susan

Suze in America

Here I stand - a solitary figure in Philadelphia's Old City.

Sandra Kloezen, wife of our beloved Dr. Maurice Bom, has become one of my closest friends. Here she is standing by the River Maas with the Limburg Provincial House in the background during one of our frequent walks. She and the family sent me to America with a traditional Sinter Klaas gift to open on December 5th - a great card with two dancing froggies, a lovely poem, and a cool case for my iPhone cheered me considerably. Thanks!

Here are my beloved Amsterdam friends with a warm send off for this trip. Left to right at the top are Sjoerd Soeters, Herman Rouw, and Merle Soeters. Crouching is Ton Schaap. The Soeters have been kind enough to host me at their lovely canal house and to drive me to Schiphol airport so I could be there at 6AM for my US flight departure! Herman and Ton came for a nice farewell dinner at the Soeters. All four paid frequent visits to us while Martijn bravely battled his cancer, cooking for us and carrying on with great conversations. We have been friends, all of us, for almost 14 years now! 

Talk about old friends, I've know Nancy Carolan since we were 18. Nan has been my constant companion since my arrival here in Philly. She is standing on the bridge to Penn's Landing on the historic Delaware River that separates Philadelphia from Camden New Jersey at this spot.

I was fortunate to spend Thanksgiving with my dear friends, Sara and Allan Crimm at their brother Walt and Deenah's home very near my old neighborhood in West Mt. Airy. Shown here are Sara and Allan's children, Naomi, Ben, and Jeremy in a tender moment.

My second family. Peter and Alison Tasch were chosen by me in 1967 as my official second family. For Peter's 75th birthday, I asked Nan to cater a special meal. Here we all are celebrating this event at Peter and Alison's home in Germantown. Left side of the table is Michelle, Wei Wei and Jeremy. Peter and Alison are at the head of the table. Alex, Kate and Nan from back to front on the right side. It was a glorious feast even though it was the day after Thanksgiving - somehow we all were hungry again!

It has been a bittersweet few weeks here, back in my hometown. Traveling and being without my beloved Martijn remains difficult, sad, unsettling. Often I feel like a ghost who is somehow stuck on earth; other times I am able to focus and be grateful for the bounty of my friends and friendships. Certainly I have been surrounded and supported by my dear friends here. I stayed with Barbara Craig for the first week or so, and as always she was gracious with her home and her love. For the past week I have been with Ruth and Rick Snyderman, enjoying their hospitality and lively lifestyle. This past weekend Bob Ingram visited and we took a very nostalgic stroll down South Street where we used to live and work when we ran the neighborhood newspapaer so long ago. I have seen many other old friends including a wonderful reunion of women from my Girls High class of 1967. But my inner journey is a lonely and solitary one - I am literally reconstructing my life from the ground up. I don't know where my path will lead, but I am trying to keep centered and focused as I move forward. I hope you are all well and looking forward to the holiday season. Soon the days will grow longer and more light will flood the darkness.

Home for the Holidays

My Philadelphia Family, August 2001: Martijn grins (left front) amidst our Philadelphia 'family' - behind him: Mary Grace Gardner, Rick & Ruth Snyderman and Linda Peck; next to me: Sally Eves, Robyn Frenze, Bob Ingram and Barbara Craig; standing: Jeremy, Peter and Alison Tasch, Sara and Allan Crimm.

With great emotional difficulty I depart my nest here in Maastricht, where Martijn's spirit provides a gentle glow, to head to my home town, Philadelphia, for some much needed R&R - rest and reflection in my case.  I arrive in Philly on November 19th and return to the Netherlands on January 7th. My Dutch residency is currently resolved allowing me to stay on here until 2010 and thankfully, the life insurance nightmare has ended. Now I can focus on fully on the depth of my loss and also on the abundance of my life - my friendships are greater than gold. Happily I will get to see and spend quality time with each of the friends pictured above, and many, many more.

My brother, Allen Schaefer, soon to be 81 years young!

I will be able to see my brother Allen, and his wife Beryl, with whom I have grown closer over the past years. I plan to see my cousins as well. It is my hope simply to experience my home town, to feel and to be. Once I am settled, I will write more .