Martijn's Memorials in Minnesota and Pennsylvania

Martijn gazes from the gate of Palageto,

over the hills of Fiesole to Florence, Italy below, summer 2005. 

This was a time of great happiness for us.

One journey ends another begins. More than two weeks have passed since I last held my beloved. This is the longest period of time I've ever spent separated since we joined as a couple. The loss is keen and deep. I will try to move forward since that is what Martijn wanted. He saw me with a new beginning; I could never share in this vision with him though I tried to smile and I made promises of things I would do in his honor. Now I shall numbly begin to fulfill those.

Here at home in Maastricht, it seems as if Martijn's spirit worked quickly to send me an angel so that I would not be alone - physically. A dear friend, Johanna, will stay with me for an extended time. Since the funeral, in fact, she has not left my side. Her presence is like a light in the darkness - she is at once lively and lovely as well as comforting and empathetic. We both were in need of someone to share a life transition with, and so she is here and will remain.

On Monday, August 11th, I journey to Minnesota, joining friends who have been a circle of love and support for almost 20 years. I will stay with David and Michael and Suzanne and Rich, seeing and visiting with as many friends as is possible. I hopefully will get to embrace the furry Miss Snoepje and her adopted mother, Stephanie, as I know Martijn would want. He was buried holding in his hands Snoepje's raggedy 'misela', her stuffed mouse which Martijn treasured as much as any of his possessions. A recent photo of her and another treasured stuffed toy also were lovingly placed in his coffin, as I know he would have loved.

A Memorial Service under the full moon will be held in Cottagewood on Lake Minnetonka's Sandy Beach on Saturday, August 16th at sunset. All are welcome to attend and invited to bring a candle to light. We will gather at the home of our dear friends, the Youngstroms, at 8PM - 4230 Mt. Curve, Deephaven, MN.

Then I journey to Pennsylvania to spend time with many lifelong friends, first journeying to the Pocono Mountains with my dear ex-husband, Bob Ingram, to be with my soulmate, Sally Eves. From there I will stay at the New Jersey shore with Bob until after Labor Day when I will go to my dear friend, Barbara Craig, in Center City Philly. Martijn and I always adored staying at Barbara's home. 

In Philly we will hold a memorial service on Saturday, September 6th at 7:30PM at galleries of our dear friends Ruth & Rick Snyderman, 303 Cherry Street, Philadelphia, PA. Again, all are welcome to attend.

Although Martijn was so modest, he would like that others could celebrate his life, and I know, support me as I walk this road without his constant and loyal presence and protection.

When the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance

Photo weaving - "Martijn in Susan, Susan in Martijn" 

 D. Sippel

I deeply miss my soulmate. I feel the loss in my bones; yet there must be a purpose for me ... alone, or anyway, without my better half. Right now it doesn’t feel that way. It feels cruel and terribly unfair. But I have faith, and after all, isn’t that all there is once all the illusions of life are broken upon the reality of death?

Following this brief email note is an excerpt from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran sent to me by Michal Baranowski, one of my University of Maastricht classmates who attended the service and wrote:

Dear Susan,

It was really good to see you again. I wish that the occasion was just a simple visit, and that Martijn could be there, but in some way I think we were able to say hello to Martijn on that day. I wanted to thank you for inviting us, I'm really glad we could come. I wanted to thank you for the service, it was the most beautiful, moving good bye I have ever witnessed. But most importantly it was a great celebration of Martijn's life. Through his friends and family, I feel I have met him closer than possibly anytime before.

From "The Prophet":

Then Almitra spoke, saying, We would ask now of Death
And he said:
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.

In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honor.
Is the sheered not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink form the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

Separately a day later came this email from our dear friend John Gjerde:

Susan,
I was gone and just got your email. I am deeply saddened by the passing of Martijn. The realization feels like such a jolt that it affects every feeling in my body. Martijn is a very special person and I would always feel relaxed around him. My conversations with him were like no other - very deep with meaning. I was feeling good today and I willl fight through the sadness to see the sun still shining. I will take the dogs some place where I can feel the wind and sun and view the trees. I know I will see Martijn there somewhere and when I do, I will promise to smile. I will call. You have been wonderful. You and Martijn have a special relationship. When you mention our walks, they seem so simply. Now they seem so special. I would like to do them again and again. My love for you and Martijn can be measured by the sadness I feel. I have now shed a few tears and I would like nothing more than to give you a big hug. My heart goes out to you and family.
With all of my love,
John Gj.

And so Martijn melts into the sun. His breath is now the wind. I shall hope once more to truly dance with Martijn inside me for my remaining days. My friends and family fill my soul with hope.